Saturday, June 13, 2009

Rafa says WHAT? Dogs

For centuries, dogs have sat on man’s lap and claimed the title of “Man’s Best Friend”. You wonder of course, what goes into making the perfect dog…some fur, floppy ears maybe, a slobbery tongue, and a whole lot of unconditional love. It is precisely all of these strangely dog-like qualities which make these compatriots a particularly enjoyable topic.

Let’s pretend that we’re an expert on dogs attempting to sell one to a customer. Firstly, we need to present qualities: size, shape, jumping capacity, slobbering capabilities, and tail-wagging (or even just tail for that matter, considering that for some breeds it’s a removable option) are excellent examples. For size we have to find out if the customer wants a lap dog, house dog, or a Godzilla dog that must be given its own house outside and eats twice its weight in food every day. For shape, we must discover the tastes of the customer. Does he/she like scrunchy, pudgy, puff ball, elongated, so on and so forth.

Now, there are two kinds of people: normal people and business people/rednecks (yes I did just group two seemingly different classes into one category). Normal people are those who prefer small to medium sized dogs that have evolved to be able to survive in or out of the house. These dogs are multienvironmental (don’t look it up…I have taken the liberty of creating my own vocabulary). Typically, they can be found lying on a bed or sofa, going from the house to the yard for a stroll, or just simply on the owners lap being stroked as they fall happily into a comatose state that will take hours to retrieve them from.

I will now attempt to explain to the reader why the grouping of two odd groups occurred (business people and rednecks). I have placed them together because these are the kinds of people that prefer big dogs. I will elaborate. By business people I mean anything from car garage/auto parts owner to successful CEO that cannot afford to compromise his involvement in the drug trade with a shipment of piranhas from the Amazon for protection. When one simply observes any of these people, an odd sight will be seen that is too familiar—“Beware of Dog”. The sign obviously indicates that either the owner possesses a vicious and/or scary-looking dog, or has a sense of humor and owns a puffy Chihuahua with a pink bow on its head. We will assume the former. So…right now, you might be asking yourself, “Why rednecks?” The answer is simple: Old Yeller. Typically with these people, one sees big dogs such as Golden Retrievers, Great Danes, and St. Bernard’s (not much after Cujo, but it is still a valid option because of their capacity to carry a small beer keg).

So, after we discover which kind of person the customer is, we can make him/her a suitable offer by narrowing down the choices. Later on, questions such as male vs female, hair length, training, “is a Chihuahua manly enough?”, and “don’t you think you’d rather get a fish?” might be asked. Once all is said and done, the customer walks out with his own slobbery best friend with whom he/she will share many long years.

The beauty of dogs is the fact that they love the owner no matter what. It seems that the only thought that flows through their mind is the words “I love you”. One can hit or castigate them and yet what they are thinking is, “He’s yelling at me and I'm sorry because I love him! I’ll never do it again until later.” Now, that bond that one shares with his/her dog is unique, special, and eternal…at least until a cat, lizard, snake, bird, smaller dog, or interesting object passes in their field of view and they are obliged to chase after it while the owner screams the dog’s name to no avail. Yep…good times.


  1. rafa has issues lol

    i think ur too smart for ur own good... this is the result of too much startness in one head.. its just spills over and it results in blogs like..... this

    - me

  2. Haha I think you need a beware of dog(s) sign!
    And, you are wrong--dogs have two thoughts. They think "I love You" (You is capitalized intentionally of course, because to your dog you are a god-type figure) and "I want Food" (Food being their second god).
    Good job ;)