Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rafa says WHAT? Airplane Bandidos

Once again, I find myself 35,000 feet in the air in the midst of a muse. I have come to realize that airplanes are alwys the host to a certain type of person that could be considered morally reprehensible. These outlaws think they can use and abuse the laws of flight. Tricking the flight attendant, disobeying rules, and just outright annoyances that make them worthy of a big slap in the face. We all know them; we've all seen them. If you don't know one...it's you. Welcome to the world of the airplane bandidos.

You are in your seat looking out the window, buckled up, and waiting for the airplane to start moving. As your gaze shifts, you notice a person sitting on the other side of the aisle, texting on their phone. Didn't they ask a while back to shut off electronic devices? A flight attendant walks up the aisle, looking from side to side, checking for electronics. The person notices and quickly hides it under something. As soon as the imminent danger has passed, the person takes it out and continues...all throughout the flight. It kills you. Yet you don't speak out. There are rules for a reason and these people seem to figure themselves a regular John Dillinger—above the law. The truth is, they are not. Now, I recently discovered a technique to defeat these perpetrators. There is a button over one's head that one can press to get backup. It is somewhat like a police radio on an airpline. It calls the flight attendants—the cavalry. Soon the women and gay men of the flight attendant ranks assemble around your seat. Point at the outlaw and let them destroy him. You just flight attended his ass. Congratulations.

Next up is the people that really rile one up—the seat takers. You walk into a plane and approach your seat...but wait, it's taken. In it sits a person that will give you hell for at least 5 minutes (it's especially bad if it's a child, because then the mother pounces). You can fight all you want, but the person will assert his/her dominance over that seat. They will oftentimes pretend not to have their ticket and, even if you show them yours, they will still not be convinced without some other sort of evidence. It's like fighting about religion. They have faith that that's their chair...even if it's not and they are wrong. Soon, the plane gets backed up because one has to involve the flight attendants. Then, the fake voice of disgruntled acceptance takes over: "Oh! My ticket said 34D, not 35D! I'm so sorry." there is no solution to people like this. They are like people at stores that back up lines...you just have to deal with them.

Now, I will clear the air with a more humorous outlaw: the walker. The airplane is ascending into the clouds, but has not reached cruising altitude. The "fasten seatbelt" sign is still on but you hear a bit of commotion. Up in front of you, someone just realized their bladder is about to burst and has to go to the restroom. Now, if anyone has seen a giraffe or a horse newborn that doesn't know how to walk and is always falling in the most amusing yet cute ways, you will see the smilarities with these walkers. Since the plane is taking off, there is turbulence and that makes the floor unstable, thus, the person walking reverts to the early stages of life when he could barely walk on his own. In his present state (not being an actual baby), though, he gets no help from peers. It is like a full grown Bambi just prances by one's seat, hitting chairs and realizing that overhead compartments don't make very good supports. The flight attendants just sadly shake their heads. There's always at least one. Maybe the pilot will get mad and castigate them. Whatever happens, the rest of the plane enjoys the comedy. It's great to have people to laugh at.

Even though some airplane bandidos might be funny, they should be considered a serious threat. If a plane has bad turbulence, who is to blame but the man texting on his phone. After watching Soul Plane, I'd believe that. The people that take your seat are no less at fault. They not only bother you, but also everyone around you to the point that you actually start wishing that you could drop them from the sky at 40,000 feet. The walker is different. Even though he is, quite frankly, hilarious, he becomes like a big, fat, giggly blunt object that might cause trauma if he comes into contact with somebody's skull. The fact of the matter is, airplane bandidos believe they have too much power and they should be taught a lesson. All we need is a private police force for hire that can be installed in every plane to keep the peace. Law & Order: Airplane Passengers Unit...yeah...

(This is an actual picture that I took of a woman next to me on my flight. She was texting and browsing Facebook while in the air. My inspiration...)

1 comment:

  1. LOL I'm the walker! I did that today in my flight, too! Except it was just midflight and I was already standing up and had to walk back to my seat... kinda fun! You get the zero-g feeling for a sec! And I totally agree on the others. And I have one to add. No title for them yet, but they're the people standing in front of you when you're getting off the plane, and there's no one else in front of them but they haven't left yet because they're still taking down their bags from the overhead bins... should've done so sooner, bitches!