What was originally a small outbreak in April has overtaken the world in a year. Those damn Mexicans. They just couldn’t keep away from the pigs could they? Yes, our next topic is the infamous Swine Flu. There are many misconceptions and mixed ideas about this pandemic that need to be brought to light. Many people know, but few people truly understand the H1N1 strain that has come to be known as the Swine Flu. If I may be allowed to be frank, some people are just idiots. There is one topic in which all idiots seem to agree and congregate—transmission. Everyone is under the delusion that random objects that fight other diseases can somehow magically help this one. These people are truly daft and should go back to school…or at least have someone give them a good knock on the head.
First, let’s ponder on the idea of an outbreak. Whenever we witness some kind of disease ransacking any community, we usually observe a myriad of people wearing…masks. This really simple apparatus uses many small, interwoven layers of thread made of multiple materials to protect against disease. What many people don’t ask themselves is what kind of disease. Masks are used to prevent the inhalation of bacteria and other large particles. What is swine flu? Is it a bacteria? Is it a large particle? NO. It is a virus. Guess what, people? Viruses go through masks. In technical terms, the viruses we are talking about are about 10-20 nanometers across or about 100 times smaller than the average bacteria. Ergo, anyone buying masks for protection against the Swine Flu is just wasting time and money for nothing. The only thing that masks might be good for is when a subject already has the virus and is trying to keep snot, mucus, etc., in. But the point still stands that no matter how much one keeps in, the virus will still get out. Go outside, breathe fresh air, and walk around…when you see people with masks, just point and laugh at their innocence. It’s cute, really. They might as well not have a mask on in the first place.
Secondly, as people attempt to cope with the spread of a disease, the population in general searches for an answer. While everyone knows that the way to stop viruses in general is through the beauty of inoculation (except conspiracy theorists and Mormons among others) and that as soon as a viral outbreak is detected, a vaccine program is kicked into high gear, there are still people that attempt to discover remedies of their own. This whole section will be devoted to the most outlandish and hilarious attempt of a remedy I’ve heard for the Swine Flu—antibacterial. Now, I could simply state that antibacterial has the word bacterial in it. This in itself should lead a normally cognizant human being with an average sized brain to deduce that it must target specifically bacteria. But it wouldn’t be so funny unless I poked more at these people. My hypothesis is this: people that use antibacterial to fight off a virus have a brain the size of an Inuit’s nipple. It is the household equivalent of using water to clean oil. Just because water cleans, doesn’t mean it cleans oil. Antibacterial equals bacteria. Antiviral equals virus. Antibacterial plus virus equals low IQ. What should be done is to put people that have committed this atrocity through preschool again. That way, they will entertain their minds with the simple objective of not getting the triangle shape into the square or circle, and the world will rid itself of yet another step back in the evolutionary chain.
Lastly, there is the case of the hand washing. Even though it states everywhere that one should wash hands every chance one gets, I have a qualm. If one were to touch an infected area in, say, a guardrail in a staircase, all one has to do is wash one’s hands with soap and water and the virus will be destroyed. I agree. But, what happens if immediately afterwards, one touches the shirt or pants…or the wallet…or the phone? Isn’t the virus transferred there too? That means that even though a person might have killed the virus with the soap and water, all he/she has to do is touch the same section of clothing that they touched before washing their hands to get infected again. Additionally, knowing that the virus will remain alive and active for a couple of days gives multiple chances for infection. Does this not make the washing hands idea moot? The only way that you could be completely sure you aren’t contaminated is to burn all of your possessions in a massive prevention bonfire as you walk through your door to your house. This includes apparel, glasses, masks, phones, wallets, credit cards, money, etc. Afterwards, and just for good measure, you would take a long disinfecting shower. Seems like a lot of work to not get sick…even if you’re already not sick.
Swine Flu has wreaked havoc on the populace of this majestic blue and green orb in space. Everyone has become so preoccupied with prevention that we have allowed panic to unfold, which almost always leads to stupidity. The uneasy should breathe a collective sigh of relief after reading this blog…either that or become even more paranoid. Masks don’t work, I won’t even mention antibacterials, and washing hands is a moot point. There are other, true ways to combat the virus: bleach, alcohol, and baths, among other things. The point is, do not freak out and get scared. The virus isn’t airborne so there is no need to shoot everyone that coughs or maintain children under house arrest. H1N1 dies about 3 feet from the person that is sick (when they sneeze or cough into the air) and can only be transmitted for about 3-5 days after a person has shown symptoms. Overall, Swine Flu is just simply another flu. Everyone has had one in their lives. It sucks, but we move on. How’s about we stop yapping and moaning about how sick we are and how much we hate pigs and focus on other things so we can all stop being ignorant buffoons? Good.