Friday, November 27, 2009

Rafa says WHAT? Asians

The first group of fine aliens that we will be talking about will be the ever present commies—I mean—Asians. What do people see when they lay their gaze on one of Asian descent? Well, I’ll tell you: they see a very uptight, yellow, perfect-hair-forever bowl-cut, staring-straight-at-the-sun eyed, short, and probably not very well endowed specimen. That about covers it, wouldn’t you agree? The good thing is that while you are busy eyeing the Asian, he can barely see you (that’s an Asian eye joke). Now that we are done with the preliminary scan of the person, we can examine the types of Asians that exist: Old Asians, Teen (girl) Asians, “Cool” (guy) Asians, Businasians, and Tourasians.

We shall begin with Old Asians, since these are the ones most commonly seen around quintessential areas like Chinatown (Which includes all Asians in its confines—Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Indonesian, and all the other places too. Who would’ve guessed that “China” was a cumulative and all-inclusive term for all people that like rice and have flat noses?). These people will commonly walk at a negative mph pace and be so scrunchy, their skin could be confused for a sun-dried prune. The interesting part about them is that they will mostly do 3 things for the rest of their aging life: mutter incoherently in a sub decibel frequency that only other kin understand, stand in a corner smiling and nodding at everything one says, or making noodles (predominantly the latter). For some reason, there is never a gray area between young and old in the Asian community—one day, the person is young, and the next, they look as though they have been marinating in water for a couple of years. I suspect that the transition involves some sort of secret Asian metamorphoses/transmogrification. Their genes have somehow been encoded to “hold their breath” per-say till about the age of 40. After that age, the genes just give up and the body rapidly ages overnight to the point where no teeth are left and range of motion is compromised.

The Teen Asians are probably the most recognized around the world. Whether it is screaming in a high pitched voice, always being dressed in school apparel, wearing ponytails, possessing skirts that barely hide anything, or being in porn, Teen Asians are everywhere. Basically, they can be summed up in one statement: a pedophile’s dream. This is so because they will look exactly like they do when they are about 15 till the age of 35 or 40. They usually have rockin’ bods, but the face is at most “paper bag” material. Telltale signs that a pack of Teen Asians is around are: old, bald men looking in one direction, squealing in a foreign language (This foreign language is not to be confused with the foreign language known as “woman” which includes within itself the dialect “shoes” and the secondary dialect “make-up”, even though the Teen Asians have been known to speak it), or Tamagotchi and Cell Phone sounds.

“Cool” Asians is a term that is synonymous and can be used interchangeably with all of the Asian characters in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. These guys can be found leaning against walls or smoking next to their cars, and will commonly possess hair a-la Edward Cullen…aka unkempt, nasty, just like anime characters, spiky, held up against the laws of physics, etc. These types of Asians for some reason think they are a force to be reckoned with or that they are like Al Capone or possess some level of “gangster” in them. The truth is that they are none of the above and people laugh at them for thinking that way. They are unimposing and not frightening at all…if they wanted to be gangsters, they made the mistake of being born Asian.

Businasians and Tourasians are how Asians are portrayed in many a TV series and are based off of real people, believe it or not. These two types of Asians are spotted frequently in the airport. The Businasians (A mix of Business and Asian) are the ones that are usually seen wearing full business formal attire while traveling, even if they are sitting in coach. For some reason, they deem it necessary to be perceived as pompous asses wherever they set foot and will frequently sit by themselves in coffee shops and pretend to look busy. It is suspected that most of them speak in a deep voice and carry a gong in their carry-on luggage. Tourasians, on the other hand, are the exact opposite. They will readily wear anything that is casual whether it matches or not. The man will wear shorts and the woman will wear the same pair of shorts to match him, except hers will be worn at what most would consider an uncomfortably high level. They will be seen wearing an exorbitant amount of sun-block and be carrying what appears to be an uncomfortable weight-load in the form of four backpacks. Notice how they scream excitedly at every building they see and will almost certainly be either looking up or pointing at something when they are spotted by the general public.

The Asians are truly an exciting alien to examine. Whether they be crazy mutterers, squinters, business fakers, or crazy tourists, they are fun to spot and even more fun to make fun of. When you see one, please bring honor this blog and take your fingers, place them in your eyes, and pull them apart like one of them…and if you own a straw hat, then would be the perfect time to use it to its full potential.

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