Africa: the cradle of civilization and the entirety of the human race. It also happens to be the cradle of Malaria, Yellow Fever, AIDS, malnourishment, overpriced oil, new age pirates, random, unpronounceable countries, ever expanding deserts, ferocious animals, killer heat, and probably the most important of them all…thorny bushes…darn those thorny bushes. Probably the only time anyone is introduced to Africans is by two means: super-sweet and tear-jerking commercials or in the Olympics. You will see what I mean.
Your favorite show has just gone on commercial break and you sit idly by, waiting for it to resume. All of a sudden, you hear a piano intro…here it comes. A picture of a sweet, dark-skinned young boy or girl appears on the screen; a slideshow of veritable slums. It is sad…depressing really. “You can adopt little Mika…and give her the chance to go to school; to live another day.” Me? Really? I wanna save Mika! She is so unbearably cute! I want to adopt a little African! …alright, what is wrong with the world? Somehow, Africans are viewed as objects to adopt and take care of. The media assumes that we are all Angelina Jolie and want to have one. They aren’t some kind of puppy or kitty! They are human beings! …at least I think. They are, right? Hm…anyway, I find it disturbing that the only thing that these little children will ever be used for is to make money. We know it’s not really going to their education…it’s going right into someone’s pocket because the only profession that the Africans will be able to pursue is that of Track Racing.
This year’s 5k…who won? A Kenyan. The Olympics…who won? A Kenyan. The World’s Best 10k…who won? A Kenyan. It seems that the only representation Africa ever gets is from the Kenyans. As if one would visit Africa and go on some quintessential safari not expecting to find any bouts of population except in Kenya and being utterly surprised when they do. In all fairness to the Kenyans, no one will ever beat them because they have the best training methods—rampant lions and some sort of venereal disease. One of them is placed in the middle of the Serengeti and, with strange clicks and vocalizations, told to find his way back to the village. Talk about intense training. He knows to avoid thick brush because a lion will chase him, and he also knows to always keep away from any kind of living organism (except for plants) because a single brush with any bioform will give him AIDS, gonorrhea, hepatitis A and B, Malaria, and sickle cell anemia…no, wait, scratch that, they’re born with that last one.
In all fairness, the Africans did contribute something to the world: Egypt. The thing is…the Egyptians aren’t even stereotypical Africans. They look like they belong somewhere in the Middle East. For all intents and purposes in my blog, Egypt and all contributions from the Egyptian culture in this blog (including the super-sweet pyramids) will now be moved to the Middle East. They are no longer a part of Africa. So, assuming that Egypt has now broken free of Africa, I am willing to propose a change to the scheme of the world continents. Change the name “Africa” to “Kenya” and vice versa. This way, everyone will know where and what “Kenya” (the new Africa) is. All of a sudden, the world will realize the importance of getting chased by ravenous beasts of the wild and selling children. “Kenya” will finally…literally...be on the map. This way, even the Americans will be able to find it. And that is a feat all in its own.