Sunday, December 20, 2009

Rafa says WHAT? Europeans

Amidst the chaos of the New York streets, you enter a bar. Tired, your body slumps on the counter and you smile at the bar tender. “Scotch on the rocks on the way,” he says. He knows you oh too well. The drink arrives before you have a chance to piece together your disheveled life and you quickly down the whole thing. As the bartender sighs and takes your glass for a refill, you happen to glance to your left. In one of the booths, you notice a very suave looking man surrounded by many females of the species. You don’t understand. Sure he looks suave, but he’s not particularly handsome…what does he have that you don’t?

“Say it again! Say it again!” the girls chant.

The man calmly takes a sip from his beer and says, “Ellow.” All the girls giggle.

Ugh. It’s a European again. For some reason, those people always happen to come to another country to take away the women. Also, for some other reason that I can’t seem to grasp, women have this fantasy of some sexy French or Italian man with luscious locks that’s going to come and sweep them off of their feet. They then proceed to compare every man they ever meet to this dream image of a guy that seems to come right out of the pages of Ralph Lauren. It becomes tiresome to say the least. So, in honor—or should I say, honour—of these annoying fems, I will proceed to destroy everything they know and love about Europeans and their culture. Let this be a lesson.

Firstly, we can start out with those uber ego-centered Brits. They speak in a form of English that sounds as if they were mumbling and they call it the “proper” way. To that statement, I say this: if you are speaking in a way that the person receiving the linguistic code will assume that you have some kind of speech impediment, it’s not proper…it’s what I would like to call down syndrome. Besides that, they seem like relatively nice chaps so long as one can look past the battlefield that is their dental area. It seems that their teeth are reenacting some part of the War of Independence and, as they did a couple of hundred of years ago, they are losing. The only difference between now and then is that now they are losing all by themselves and not because the French came in to help.

Speaking of frogs—I mean, French—how’s about we see what they have to offer. Paris…The Eiffel Tower…The Louvre…beautiful cityscapes…a romantic language…bla, bla, bla. This is all an elaborate ploy to get into a myriad of easy women’s pants. Whenever they visit another country (like the US, for example), they always say things like, “Hallow…Ei would like to seeee where famus places arr in Amerrica.” And immediately after that statement, women are falling at their feet. Their secret is simple: exaggerate your accent and only talk to women with boyfriends, husbands, fiancé’s, or significant others. This is an excellent approach especially if you wink at that significant other whilst his girlfriend oogles at you. Now, here’s how you fight back! It is a well-known fact that French people have a terrible fear of shaving and cheese that doesn’t have mold on it. Arm yourself with some grade-A American cheese and some sort of a shaving blade. When one confronts the Frenchman, feed it the cheese. It will immediately choke because the cheese actually contains a non pungent flavor. When it is incapacitated, shave it…good regions to remove hair from are usually the heavily forested regions around the armpits or genitals (these areas are ubiquitous for all French and also include women). A common myth is that one should aim for the legs—don’t. They have already taken the liberty of achieving the realm of effeminated metrosexual by waxing them.

Now that we are familiar with the most famous Europeans, how’s about we move on to the Greeks and Italians? Well, they have been grouped into one because they possess many of the same characteristics: white skin, muscular build, long and flowing hair, and a musky odor that could put a bison down. If ever there was a form of euthanasia that was humane, this would be it, for as the woman stares at Paolo Rotini in awe, she slowly inhales the toxin and proceeds to die a slow, enamored death. Even though they had some of the greatest civilizations known to man (the Greeks and the Romans), I think they have milked that pot for all its worth. It’s about time to stop standing there and looking pretty like the buildings that fill the cities.

Last but not least (of the biggest and most well-known Europeans) are the Germans. They killed a bunch of people…so let’s mention it and get it out of the way. Apart from that, their most defining characteristic is that they speak as though they were about to commit some sort of horrible murderous act (all of them) and they have notoriously more hair than the French (mostly just women). Apart from the fact that they can crush a human being with their pinky, they are relatively peaceable-looking people until they open their mouths and one of two things happens: either they sound incredibly threatening or incredibly gay. This is because their voices come in a “manly” setting and in a “prepubescent boy” setting. When German is spoken in the former, it sounds like they tear small animals to bits for sport; if German is spoken in the latter, it sounds as if their anus is too accepting. Their women are no exception to this rule. They are all hairy and possess the name Olga (I’m hereby assuming that Russians don’t exist and are just fake Germans). Their powers far supersede those of the males because they are incredibly muscular and might as well possess a penis themselves.

After examining the European’s top ethnicities, what are the thoughts? Maybe the French aren’t so romantic and just feed you random food that they say has something special in it. Maybe the British are so pompous that they think they can steal our women with a simple “Ellow.” Maybe the Italians think they can row a boat and point out how beautiful one of their cities is even though it was one of the many stupid moves on their part because it is now sinking. Maybe the kilt is actually just a glorified skirt that a gay guy made into a tradition to get back to the straight community. Maybe the Netherlands and Belgium shouldn’t have pretty dikes that prevent their country from being flooded and finally erased off of the map. And maybe, just maybe, Switzerland should not even exist. I believe all of these are ploys they use to pretend to be more than they really are. This is the truth. I’m sure there might be a European right now reading this going: “Damn…this guy knows too much. We must rethink our strategies now!” All in all, one phrase sums up basically everything—“Ugh…Europeans…”

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