Friday, December 25, 2009

Rafa says WHAT? Latinos

Gunshots! Cocaine! Poverty! Sexy women! Know what culture I’m talking about? Big hats! How about now? No…it’s not Mexicans. It’s Latinos, and, before you say it, no…Mexicans aren’t Latinos. They are annoying and speak way to fast to be comprehensible. I kicked them out. Maybe if they had kept being awesome like the Mayans or Aztecs, I might have reconsidered. Moving on, all of the aspects described above are completely true and accurate…and also hilarious. This is what we (as I am a proud member of this community) embody; or at least what many people see us as being. Let’s take a closer look at this wonderful culture, shall we?

Skipping over the Mexicans, we arrive in South America where the beaches are beautiful and the rainforests are plenty…plenty dense enough to hide all of the cocaine farms! No, but really, this is true. If one is planning a journey to the deep jungles of South America, one must always remember to not go into Colombia. If you do, you risk being knifed, raped, shot, ripped apart, hit by a blunt object, or all of the above at the same time. Notorious for the inhospitality and the crime, Columbia is an excellent example of where not to go in the world. Now, Brazil is a place to go. If ever in South America, go to Brazil and enjoy the beaches and the much-alluded-to sexy Latino women. But, as always, be careful. If you are at the beach and happen to step two feet away from the shore line you will, I repeat, you will fall into the rainforest and be mauled to death by army ants or any of the insane and destructive animals located in its entrails.

As one moves to the islands located in the Caribbean, things really get wacky. I will now proceed to exclude more people from the Latin community. Any of the tiny, outlying islands past Puerto Rico = not Latin. A prime example of this is the U.S. Virgin Islands or St Maartin. The former belongs to the U.S. which means it is incredibly not Latin. The latter is half French which makes it bisexual…not Latin. As one moves onto the Greater Antilles, there begin to exist actual Latin people. In Puerto Rico, my homeland, the women are nice and the beaches are nicer. It is like the US, but shrunk down to about the size of a cardboard box. If one ever visits, there will be much enjoyment as long as the slum known as “La Perla” is avoided. Translated, it means “The Pearl” and, if John Steinbeck’s crappy book is any indication, this place is equally shoddy and decrepit.

Passing Puerto Rico, one arrives at Haiti and the Dominican Republic. I guess they’re Latin. They speak Spanish, right? Anyone that, when speaking English, pronounces “speak” as “spik” is most definitely Latin. The poverty-stricken landscape of this island is indicative of the bad stuff that happens when a country is Latin. Latino should be an acronym or Lots of Annoying Torment for Idiocies of Neighboring Overlords. Basically, this is what occurs. When a Latin country (like Haiti and Dominican Republic) becomes free, a fight for power ensues in which some sort of tyrant or dictator comes to power and screws everything up for everyone. In the Dominican Republic’s case, the island got split politically in two…good job.

Cuba, on the other hand, is a different story. Let’s start off by saying that Miami should just break off from the U.S. and personify a malignant tumor on Cuba’s side because its overrun with Cubans. Secondly, Fidel Castro (possibly one of the biggest and most recognized names in history) is a horrible person. He scared the Cubans so much that they sought to make another Cuba in the former’s image (hence the takeover of Miami). Now, apart from speaking like if they have a mouthful of marbles, the people are easy enough to get along with and probably provide Americans with a multitude of hearty laughs. “Oye Esse!” is a prime example. I can’t even begin to count the times when I’ve told an American I’m from Puerto Rico and the first words out of his mouth are either “Porto Ricoooo” or “Esse!” both of which are said in a crappy attempt at a Latin accent.

Now that everyone is properly acquainted with the Latin community, I will describe what everyone else perceives us as being useful for: cheap labor or jokes. The cheap labor part is self explanatory and sort of ties in with the whole joke scenario. If the person is a Latino, they must immediately know how to clean and/or cook. We are humble servants in a white world. If a Latin person walks into a house, all the White Man wants to know is if he/she can say “Si señor…” and take orders in English. This directly correlates, as mentioned beforehand, with the whole idea of jokes. As a Latin person walks into any situation, the first comment, whether serious or not, will be about some sort of cleaning or maintenance. “Shut up and clean the floor. It’s what I don’t pay you to do!” is a key example of such things. In all fairness, that is what we are…in America. Otherwise, we are perfectly dignified people. For some reason, as soon as a Latin person enters American soil, there is some sort of compulsion to clean everything in sight. I suppose this could be considered some sort of Latin AIDS. The HIV virus was made to kill gays (duh! It’s totally not a conspiracy!) the same way as this disease seems to have been created to put all useless Latinos to work. Hats off to the Americans…good job for once.

So, we have learned that Latin people are cheap laborers, have cocaine readily accessible, are poor, like to clean, are the subject of a myriad of jokes, and don’t use protection and that’s why there are so many rampant babies around. Oh, wait, I didn’t mention the last one? Well…now you know. Add that one to the list. Throughout our travels—Brazil, Colombia, not Mexico, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic (and Haiti), and Cuba—we have learned what it truly means to be a Latin person. For example, we have endeavored through our travels and attained enough knowledge to say that people in the Lesser Antilles aren’t Latin, but simply white people that interbred with Africans to create a race of islanders that the forests subsequently made savage. The whole time, though, we have still gone on without a clue as to what the Jamaican people are. I am positive they aren’t Latino. Maybe some devolved form of African American? Anyway, the main point of this is to get the message across that Latin people aren’t as bad as they are made out to be…so long as they are kept away from narcotics and knives, anything that has a vagina (ages 13-25 only), and are always working (preferably some sort of house cleaning or heavy machinery). See? Not too bad at all.


  1. Ummm.... aren't the ese's kinda like a mexi thing?

  2. the whole "esse" thing has been turned into a Mexican thing (that is generalized to include all Latinos) by Americans, but in reality it comes from the Cubans because of the way they talk. It comes from the word "jefe" being misunderstood.