Sunday, January 17, 2010

Rafa says WHAT? Americans

I’m not going to lie…I have been waiting a long time to write something like this. There comes a time in every society’s life when one must direct every ounce of comedic strength towards it and all that it has become. I will now take a nice sowing needle to the overly inflated ego that belongs to what some refer to as the Americans. Setting aside the fact that Americans are simply glorified, 300 year-old Brits and nothing more, this culture has come to believe their overall superiority in what can be considered every facet of life imaginable. The interesting part is, when one peels away the layers of this ogre, what is inside is revealing about the culture itself. As every nation peers through binoculars across the vast oceans and sees Americans, they see a very distinct people. On the “tely” in Great Britain, over the censored news stations of China, and from satellites overhead, most people see the same thing but are afraid to comment. If they aren’t nice to America, it will bring democracy to their country (this quote isn’t mine, by the way).

When one mentions Americans to anyone (that isn’t American, of course), the first thing that comes up in conversation is the idea of ignorance. Now, I know that this blog is dealing with Foreigners, but I count Americans as foreigners when they ask me about my country of origin: Puerto Rico (for all who don’t know). I have heard many a crazy idea about Puerto Rico and have postulated that these comments are so far-fetched that they transcend ignorance and begin to inch their way into the area of sheer stupidity. Examples follow:

“How long did it take you to drive here?”
-Woman in Florida

“Do you live in tree houses?”
-Girl over the phone

“Do you guys have electricity?”
-Girl over MSN messenger (yeah…I know)

“I’m afraid to ask because I don’t mean to insult you, but do you guys have supermarkets?”

“Isn’t Puerto Rico by the Netherlands?”
-…I don’t have a name for her…I just…I…wow…I don’t even know…

Yes, these are real quotes from real people. For their safety, I have eliminated their names so they aren’t ridiculed. I always find myself musing on the idea of American ignorance…what are they thinking when they say that? How can they be so stupid? There are islands under Florida? And they have people?! What?! Even though Haiti has now suffered from a devastating earthquake and many Americans are able to finally locate it on a map (yet I’ve seen many spelling it “Hati”…good job), they are probably still not aware that my island is right next to it. Soon, after all of this has died down, “Hati” will soon fade back out of the map for many Americans.

The reason they don’t focus on other countries is because all of their eyes are on them. By this, I mean they are arrogant and egotistical. Elaborating, I pose this question: has anyone heard the phrase “Everything is bigger and better in America?” This has its roots in how greatly Americans think of themselves. I think it’s time to break apart this statement where it stands…no? Here we go. The national debt is in the trillions (bigger in America, maybe?) and getting larger every day; all of the cars and trucks that Americans boasts about are made in China or Japan; the “greatest mall,” the Mall of America, pales in comparison to some of the biggest malls in the world like the South China Mall or the Dubai Mall; and not even the country itself is big, as it is dwarfed by Russia, China, and its neighbor to the North (yep, you guessed it) Canada. I guess the phrase should be changed to “Everything is bigger everywhere but America.”

The only definitive thing that is bigger in America that many a news anchor has noticed now-a-days is people. Why are people big? Because they are fat…simple as that. Even though fatness is a fad that is sweeping the nation because of overeating and grimy fast foods, there is surprisingly not much being done about it. Obesity is now thought of as a cause for depression. To someone like me, that is unbelievable. You’re fat because you eat and you’re sad because you’re fat. Two plus two does not equal 243.89. Stop eating, get that huge butt off of the couch, and do something about it. If pills are prescribed, it’ll make the person not sad and…they will eat more and get fatter. I love problem solving skills. A solution to all the depression problems isn’t prescription pills, but the complete removal of the intravenous bags full of butter and 30 year-old McDonalds cooking oil that are permanently attached to the arms of millions of Americans. One of the biggest diseases in America to date is Diabetes? It was probably caused by aliens because all the eating couldn’t have done it. It has come to the point where either they stop being lazy or they become the source of humor/horror when morbidly obese women are spotted wearing thongs.

Foreign affairs, what’s up with that? No, don’t worry…I haven’t gotten political. I’m simply mentioning the facts. America has a long history (300 years or so) of yelling freedom a lot and going into other people’s countries. Sometimes, though, a president comes along that does it in a way that absolutely deserves my comedic input. Here is how I expect the conversation went:

Office official

Mr. President, we have discovered the whereabouts of the suspected Al Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden.

George W. Bush


Office official


George W. Bush

Mobilize our troops! We are attacking Iraq!

Office official:


The result of this highly confusing conversation was the deployment of troops to Afghanistan then the slow and sly movement of them into Iraq for no good reason except oil. Liquid gold for a solid idiot, Mr. President. It is officially too late for the excuse that is always used by America (“we’re simply spreading freedom and democracy”) and it has to own up to what it’s doing. While they figure that out, every other country in the world is driving their palms strongly against their foreheads and sighing. America has done it again. Thank you, Capitalism.

All in all, I believe I have effectively transmitted what might be called an infinitesimal amount of ridiculous things that the world has witnessed out of America. There’s way more out there and I could write on and on, but I decided to take the most pressing details only. I didn’t go so hard on America. After all, this is what everyone thinks…I’m simply vociferating. It’s something not many countries do, but many whisper about (except the Asians…they can’t whisper). Ignorance isn’t bliss when it makes you stupid. The only thing that won’t become fatter is America itself because no other country wants in on the whole statehood thing. Even so-called territories laugh at all America has become. As a final message to all Americans, I say this—among the cheese fries, deep fried lard, and mega-ultra-supersized Diet Coke, I hope some sort of dignity is found that you can hold onto with your greasy hands. Don’t let it slip.

1 comment:

  1. This is really funny... Just try not to get killed by obese people lol.

    Beware of obese women in thongs O.O