Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Rafa says WHAT? "2012" (2010)

As I was watching the movie “2012” a long while back, within the confines of my mind, my muse on the subject came to a head and, all of a sudden, the question hit me: “What the hell?” Even though I thought the movie was entertaining, I know that I could have enjoyed it more if it wasn’t based on ideas and presumptions that were so gosh darn ludicrous. In fact, the things they said in the movie were so ridiculous that I had to pause it and take out my phone, where I wrote down everything that they had gotten wrong or exaggerated. Eventually, I had to give up and watch the movie. So, as you might have already guessed, the reason I am writing this blog (one of 2) is to dispel any idiotic notions about the year 2012. To begin, I will break down the movie into a couple of “main ideas,” or how I like to affectionately refer to them: “sugar-coated horse excrement.” I will then peel away the sugar-coating and reveal the horse excrement underneath it. So, I hope you enjoy this horse excrement as much as you possibly can.

Let’s begin with one of the main parts of the movie: the sun. There is a lot of talk of solar flares, neutrinos, and the effects on the earth. Now, solar flares aren’t nearly as powerful as they make them seem In the movie, they knock on the earth’s magnetic field and produce a huge amount of these weird particles called neutrinos which, in turn, melt the earth’s core. Now, we’re getting ahead of ourselves…geomagnetic reversal and the earth’s core will be in a little bit. Back to the matter at hand: solar flares. The sun produces a lot of energy; this is true, but not nearly enough to knock out a magnetic field. There have been huge solar flares before, and the most that happens is the short term failure of some satellites and maybe a blackout here and there. Basically, a solar flare acts like a scrawny guy attempting to knock down a door with his mind. You see how this scenario plays out? Apart from that, there’s the problem of neutrinos. They behave like a little something called WIMPs (pardon the continued science lesson), which stands for Weakly Interactive Massive Particles. Basically, when a WIMP hits a normal particle, it has an insignificant effect on it. It is the equivalent of throwing a midget at a sumo wrestler. There will be some fat blobbing around, but overall, nothing will happen. The people from the movie expect the viewer to be unfamiliar enough with this phenomenon to believe that neutrinos can cause the earth’s core to melt. Now, let’s supersize our example: if you have a sea of sumo wrestlers pressed together in an unbreakable fat, sweaty mess and you throw a couple billion midgets at them, the same thing (meaning nothing) will occur. So, there is basically no way, given the pressures in the earth that the core would melt.

Now that we have begun to disassemble the stupidity, we shall continue with the idea of geomagnetic reversal. In a nutshell, what happens is that there is a reversal in the flow of the outer core (not inner core, which is what the movie said melted), which subsequently causes a shift in the magnetic field of earth and changes the magnetic north to be somewhere else. During the movie, it is this reaction which throws the world into a helter-skelter of broken ground and people falling to oblivion. In my opinion, that is a pretty bad-ass way to die: falling into the mantle of the earth. It makes for a good story for a survivor to tell future generations. Their great grandchildren can then rebut when one of their buddies mentions that their grandmother died of cancer. “Yeah, well my great grandmother fell to a fiery, molten death in the mantle of the earth!” …but that’s beside the point. The polar shift and geomagnetic reversal in the movie happened in all of probably 10-20 hours and, after it was over, magnetic north had ended up on another random place (Wisconsin…hence “random place”) and threw off their compasses. Now, geomagnetic reversals are actual verified phenomena that have happened before. Don’t be afraid, though. What the people in the movie got so terribly wrong was that these shifts take hundreds of thousands to millions of years to occur. So, in a valiant display of Hollywood prowess, they decided to shorten it 1000 fold. I guess having the movie take millions of years really wasn’t conducive to what they wanted. If this movie was in any way scientifically accurate, this is how the geomagnetic reversal should have happened:

*Nothing really interesting happens in the earth because neutrinos don’t react with anything and the “biggest solar flare in recorded human history” just causes some seriously trippy colors in the Northern skies of earth (because every time you see an aurora, that’s what it is) and, a couple million years later, by some freak accident, the descendants of all of the characters of the movie find themselves in the exact location, being professionals in the exact areas as their ancestors, and discussing the exact thing as in the movie*

Descendant of the Black Doctor: It looks like the crust has shifted almost 23 degrees to the southwest. The data also shows the earth’s poles have reversed their magnetic fields. These are their new positions.

Descendant of the Official looking guy: So you are telling me that the North Pole…is somewhere in Wisconsin?

Descendant of the Random Doctor: Actually, that’s the South Pole now…

Now, we have to make a distinction between polar shift and geomagnetic reversal, because even in the movie they seem to be mixing them up and mentioning them a lot (so much for the characters being quantum physicists and geologists, huh?). In geomagnetic reversal, the magnetic location of the poles changes (i.e. north switches with south and vice-versa, which will make your compasses not know what the hell is going on)…easy, right? Well, in a polar shift, the physical location of the poles/the axis of the earth (NOT tectonic plate related) changes due to either a big object hitting the earth or a change in the core-mantle boundary. Considering the fact that no midget is the size of an asteroid or comet, we can rule the former out. In the movie, they mention that the core melted because of neutrino actions, but, following that logic, wouldn’t the mantle have melted as well, considering the fact that it will take less heat for it to melt (from its current plastic rock state)? This goes with what the people said. So, following that logic, the change of the core-mantle boundary would have occurred. But wait! Don’t clap for the movie’s success just yet. Following the logic even further, we then realize that if the core melted and the mantle melted, then the crust should have melted as well…no? I guess the movie would have been a bit short lived if all that happened was the detection of neutrinos and then the earth turned into a glob of floating molten goop.

As you can well see, there are major flaws inherent in this monster of a movie. In an attempt to make the earth die, Mr. Director has apparently put an extreme amount of unlikely scenarios together and given each a cocktail of steroids and crack cocaine, hoping for some sort of science-gasm that never came (get it?). I mean, it’s remotely possible that one of those events would have occurred, but if you clump them all together on the same day, at more or less the same time, and with the intensity described, the odds are equal to that of my brother getting laid at any point in his life—in other words, astronomically low and implausible. I think that the people that wrote this movie had terrible memories as children of getting sexually abused by fractions. Their memories of how to tell probability were clouded by divisitory enemas and numbered thrusts. They seemed to have forgotten that when figuring out the odds of two things occurring simultaneously, you multiply the two fractions, ending up with an even bigger number than you started with and that lonely and insignificant “1” on the top, complaining about his grotesquely huge downstairs neighbor that constantly eats Cheetos, corn dogs, and small reptiles for nourishment, while sweating fat globs that would make a McDonald’s cook hurl. The point is, if you are writing a movie, don’t make it so messed up that anyone that has two brain cells can see through the special effects. Next time you see a movie that threatens to destroy your sanity and feeling of security in this world, stop for a moment and remember that you are not nearly as stupid as the people that get paid to write the scripts for these movies. With a little ingenuity and logic, you can see through the clever guise of earth-destroying cataclysms and find the much promised horse excrement foundation on which all of these theories are based.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

So Much To Do, So Little Time!

Quite frankly, it is surprising how little time one has during summer as age grows on you. I’m not saying I’m an old fart quite yet, but I am quite busy. In all of my busyness, however, I do have some good announcements.

Number 1: If you follow my fan page on Facebook at all, you would have found out that I have this nifty new thing called “Formspring”. Basically, people ask anonymous questions that can be about anything. By anything, I mean anything. My job is to answer them and, if I can, make a funny remark…which is getting exceedingly difficult when people ask straightforward questions like “do you play God?” I believe the answer is, well, no? I’m a blogger, not an idiot. So, if you have any pressing questions or truths that you want sarcastically corroborated, please feel free to follow me on Formspring or ask questions.

Number 2: I know that I have not mentioned this yet, but I also have a Twitter. I was vehemently against Twitter for a long time, but I finally gave in. Can’t hurt, can it? Over time, I have found out how the gosh darn thing works (the whole “@” and “#” system is the sort of thing that a person comes up with in a drug induced coma), and have found a soft spot in my heart for that annoying blue bird. If anyone wants to keep up with my day-to-day, or chat with me when not checking the blog, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

Number 3: I know that I have been advertising the 2012 blog for some time, but, if everything works out, I will have it done before this weekend. It will be divided into 2 blogs—one that destroys any belief in those darn Mayans that people keep on talking about, and one that dismantles the stupidity behind the 2012 movie. Both of those thorns have been prodding my backside for a while, and it’s about time I take them out before I get an infection of stupid.

Number 4: My brother keeps on annoying me about this thing that I’ve been thinking of doing. Remember that little thing called Ustream I had mentioned a long time ago? Well, of course you don’t…it’s a “TV channel” type deal on the internet where I can have my own show and people can tune in and watch me talk about things that annoy me. Sounds great doesn’t it? Well what my brother is annoying me about is a little something called a “Four Chord Rant.” The idea was that we take the generic 4 chords used in most hit songs and play them over and over while ranting about a certain topic. Think about it as a “Rafa says WHAT?” on steroids that has been turned into a musical without a script. Basically the plan is to sit in front of the computer with no idea what to say and ad-lib it. Sounds easy enough, right? Stay tuned and I’ll let you know…

And lastly, Number 5: I have been thinking of this one for a while as well. I will write one poem a night during the month of June (thanks for the idea Josh…too bad almost no one knows who you are, so for all intents and purposes, it was my idea), and it will flow like one full poem…an epic poem…a comedic epic poem, to be precise (I came up with this myself…Josh had nothing to do with it). Hopefully it will work out and it will be hilarious. In between my 2 “Rafa says WHAT?” and off-topic segments, I’ll put the poems up as I write them. I sincerely hope that you all can stand them and that you will find them somewhat humorous and, well, epic.

So, this is it. I hope that you will keep reading, or else my life will have no meaning. Check back in soon!