Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Rafa says WHAT? December 21, 2012
December 21, 2012. Honestly, this day has been in the thoughts of many people with conspiracies basically orbiting their heads…and it has been pecking at my brain like a ravenous woodpecker for quite some time now. Finally, after a while of berating random people in an attempt to quell the idiocy behind the masses to no avail, I have decided to tackle it head on via this post. Now, the belief of many people is that some sort of major cataclysmic event (some sort of volcano-earthquake-polar shift-central galaxy energy-nibiru earth rape) will occur and bring about the end of the world. As many have probably heard, this prediction has come about because of the famous Mayan Calendar. It supposedly ends on that scary date that everyone is awaiting, and foretells the end of all that is beautiful and material. If you are reading this, you have voluntarily entered into a situation where I will be the backhand that will smack the ludicrous beliefs out of every orifice in your body (and yes it’s illegal and yes I don’t care). I will begin with the biggest farce of them all: the Mayan Calendar. Continuing, I will explain why Nibiru is a steaming pile of [censored word]. Finally, I will hopefully discount the idiotic new age beliefs about some sort of energy or gamma radiation that emits from the center of the galaxy that will cause some sort of enlightenment/new world/orgasm thing on that fateful December day. So, without further ado, let us begin!
Remember back in Geometry class, when you learned what all the cool shapes where? Remember back in probably kindergarten when you played with that annoying box with three shapes that would fit in the box’s holes? I always make this comparison when talking to people about the Mayan calendar. No, not that calendar! That's actually called the Sun Stone and it was made by the Aztecs to commemorate Itzcoatl going to their heaven place. Silly, misinformed masses. I actually mean the one right here. If you would please now turn your attention to the right hand side of this blog and view the excellent picture that I have conveniently placed there to distract you from the words and make the reading seem less. Are you with me? Ok, good…now, what shape is the calendar in the picture? It’s a…what? I’ll give you a hint: it starts with C and ends in ircle. If you didn’t get it after that hint, please, leave this page now and check your daily news on this website. I imagine conspiracy theorists as people that spend most of their lives attempting to put a triangle or a square into the circle hole on the aforementioned game. “It fits! It fits! I can show you!” they scream, but to no avail. The shape doesn’t fit into the circular hole. Now, the reason I give this example is because of my next question to the reader: does a circle…have a beginning or an end? If you do not know yet, you should follow the link I spent the trouble of placing here and buy the book in that website. The answer is no. A circle does not have any angles or edges or beginnings or endings; no convex points or concave sides. For some reason, the conspiracy theorists seek to find an end to this circle that is the Mayan calendar. In reality, the Mayan calendar does not end, but rather shifts from era to era, much like the Chinese Zodiac calendar. They believe that the past repeats itself every episode, which is called a Baktun. But, then again, there’s several other Mayan calendars to choose from! Go ahead, pick—there’s the Haab Calendar, the Tolken Calendar, the Calendar round (combination of all three calendars), and even the Dresden Codex (admittedly not a calendar, but used in combination with the others). The only thing that is coming to an end is not the calendar, but the Baktun. Afterwards, it will change into another Baktun. Then that one will end, and another will begin. And then that one will end and…the world will end! Just kidding…it will actually just switch to another Baktun. And so on to infinity. It’s a cycle that means basically nothing. If the Mayans were still around (in their original state—their descendants are still around, laughing at our stupidity), they would actually be about to begin a huge celebration in, well, celebration because of the coming of the new Baktun. It’s like celebrating New Years, not the end of the world. The most we will see of the Mayans on that fateful day is some passed out naked on the streets of Central America because of too much partying.
Moving on, I will hit upon the subject of…Nibiru. All I have to say about that is: “Oh God, holy mother of a crack addict, why do people even believe this overblown LSD laced excuse for the death of the human race?” For those of you who have no idea what the heck I just said in the last two sentences, Nibiru is known by many names, but is most commonly referred to as Planet X. It is the mythical, planet sized rock floating in space that will supposedly smash into the earth on December 21, 2010, causing untold levels of destruction and fiery death to all humankind. I know that this is a bit too much to handle and wrap your head around, but let me just give you a little quote from NASA to ease your mind.
“There is no such thing as Nibiru or Planet X. Our astronomers are not stupid and we are very much insulted that you all think that they couldn’t spot a planet-sized object headed straight for us. It’s completely ridiculous! I mean, come on! Gravitational interactions, the blocking of light, readings from any of our hundreds of satellites, sightings from any of our hundreds of radio, microwave, and light telescopes…even if it could survive the gravitational pull of any of the other planets and somehow make it over here, we would have seen it a long time ago. It seems like most of the general public has the IQ of a garden hose…why are we even here?”
Alright, so maybe that quote wasn’t…directly…from NASA, but the point is still there. Now, in an effort to not bore the reader with a history lesson, I will provide a simple to understand (about 3rd grader level), sparknotes version of the facts. Beginning now: Sumerians see light in sky. OMGZ! Must be a God. Name Nibiru. It’s actually Jupiter. FAIL! Loonie called Sitchin claimed Nibiru actual planet in 1976. He thinks Nibiru has 3,000 year orbit. Scientists say no. People say Nibiru hit Earth in 2012. Sitchin says WTF no. Got all that? I think it was pretty simple to understand. Also, I believe that the idea that Nibiru will somehow hit the Earth is preposterous. We should be more worried about Apophis or the unnamed asteroid that will hit us in about 6,000 years. Nibiru = no. Asteroid belt = probably.
The last idea that I am going to attempt to disprove is not something tangible like a calendar, or even a heavenly body, but rather this magical energy that is set to take us on a nonconsensual trip into enlightenment and a new age. It has to do with something called the Galactic Alignment, which doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized, so I won’t from now on. This supposed galactic alignment occurs when the sun centers with the black hole in the center of the galaxy more or less every 25,800-26,000 years. The point is that this alignment is highly subjective. When you are aligned in the southern hemisphere, you are not in the northern and vice-versa. While a Canadian might be saying “The sun is aligning, eh?” a person from South Africa might say “Abugi bumbalooba abumgyby do!” (Translation: Sun not in center, I make love to multiple wives). Besides, the galactic center is many tens of thousands of light years away and any energy sent from there would have been blocked or dissipated by all the other energy already present in the universe. In reality, I shouldn’t even be having this argument because, apart from the fact that during every winter solstice, the sun aligns somewhat with the galactic center. Also, the reported “perfect” alignment that will allegedly happen in 2012 (stated by people that have sticks far up their nether regions), already happened in 1998. Did anything happen in 1998? Unless the magical energy coming from the center of the galaxy made Mr. Clinton’s libido go wild and tap that, then there is actually no crazy new age energy.
I hope that after reading this, you have gained some level of disdain towards the people that act like ingrown toenails for humanity—the conspiracy nuts. Honestly, if anything actually happens on or before December 21, 2012, it is going to be caused not by some insane and uncontrollable universal or predicted forces, but by the stupidity of mankind’s actions. Like the Darwin Award worthy person who committed suicide before the Large Hadron Collider was turned on because she was afraid that black holes would consume the earth (good job there, lady), people will probably either go crazy beforehand, or commit suicide. Many will hail it as the predictions coming true, when, in reality, it was the belief in the predictions that made humans, all too predictably (by what I have named the Stupidity Hypothesis), act out exactly what they expected and make them come true through their own abilities. Overall, as determined by Stupidity Hypothesis, people will be, well stupid. It then falls onto people like me to speak out against the people that promote crazy theories. They are basically like a firing squad aimed right at the general public, but instead of muskets, they are using vuvuzelas—it isn’t deadly, but it will drive any reasonable person insane. If anyone has any comments or questions on this (admittedly, it is an annoyingly long and tedious topic), please feel free to email me or comment on this post and I will answer any questions and provide more information if needed. In the mean time, though, it becomes the reader’s job to be the harbinger of intelligence to a world otherwise devoid of it.