Sunday, January 30, 2011

Overpriced? I Think Not!

Have you ever been at a store, gazing at the prices and thought, “That is a BARGAIN!” Boy, do I have one for you right now. Apparently, a company called AudioQuest has a product out that might as well revolutionize technology here on earth. It’s a coffee colored, 6.6 foot HDMI cable that is absolutely beautiful. It really is the epitome of all that is amazing. It is so incredible, in fact, that even aliens from the Pleiades want to get their hands on it. That’s why they contacted this random chick and the being called Sahaja presented herself as pure light…it was a reference to their severe need for HD! Anyway, this amazing cable can be yours from Best Buy for the incredible price of $695.99. Click the photo below to see this beauty.


Below are some 5 star review screenshots from very satisfied customers. Click each to enlarge and, when you do, you will realize why this is a chance that you cannot miss. There are many more like this at the actual website, which you can visit and enjoy as you order this astonishingly underpriced piece of the future.




Via The Consumerist

Saturday, January 29, 2011

And Around And Around We Go

Have you ever felt like you are walking in circles? No, I am not trying to sell you a prescription drug. I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly normal. At least, if you have your eyes closed. Scientists have studied this phenomenon and still have no idea as to why it happens. Apparently, as I’m sure some of you have noticed at some point in your lives, if you don’t look ahead (you must eliminate any reference points for this to work) or close your eyes, you will be unable to walk in a straight line. Try it out for yourselves at some point. Put on a blindfold, aim for a light post at the other end of the block, begin to walk towards it, and be pleasantly surprised when you either fall into your neighbor’s pool or get hit by a car of some sort. This idea is presented in a cool little animation at the bottom of this blog post. Oh, and this also holds true for many other activities including running, swimming, treading through a vast unexplored wilderness under fog, driving in the middle of a field, and steering a train. Wait


Via NPR

Friday, January 28, 2011

Inflight Entertainment

Have you ever been sitting in an airplane and thought, “You know what would make this flight better? Lady GaGa and Katy Perry all up on my ear holes.” Well, I am glad to say that I have not and will never think such a heinous thought, for I risk the spontaneous combustion of half of my body. The other half of my body and the rest of my family will combust if Justin Bieber ever happens across my path—which, thankfully, has yet to occur. Now, if anyone recalls back a while to my “Rafa says WHAT? Asians” segment, I mentioned many things about Asians that are totally and completely definitely factual. I appear to have missed something, though. This is because, as I was looking through my computer and cleaning out everything (no comment as to what exactly was cleaned out), I happened to come across a peculiar Notepad file with a strange HTML embed code. It seemed like I had liked a video and kept the embed code for my blog but never got around to it. When I watched the video, I realized why. It was probably the most shocking and vile thing one could ever lay eyes upon (except for this). It was something so grotesque, that even I of the iron stomach felt sick to my, well, stomach. One thing is for sure…if it had happened to me, I could justify taking everyone in that airplane out in a fury of emotion and then treading water to get the heck out of there. It was Asians…and they were dancing…


Via YouTube

Bye, Bye Internet


Have you ever thought about what would happen if you woke up one day, turned on your computer, and the Internet was off? I’m not talking about the I-have-a-terrible-internet-connection deal or the I-haven’t-turned-on-my-wireless-oops mistake either. I’m saying that the Internet is truly gone. It is sort of a foreign thought to most people and even me, in all honesty. The thing is that it has already happened. Today is “Friday of Wrath” in Egypt, as political protests will come to a head. The old regime is losing power and people have taken to the streets in huge shows of hatred towards their current rulers. The current regime, as soon as this began to occur, thought of a great idea to prevent the exiting of information from Egypt to the rest of the world about what was going on—shutting down the internet.


Doubtless, many of you will have probably heard this story, but it must be repeated and spread because it begs a question that was asked by a writer at Gizmodo: Is internet access a human right? We all take it for granted, but if it’s gone, we finally realize how important it was in our everyday life. If people can’t read my stupid blog, what will they do with themselves? There’s probably millions of people out there waiting with baited breath for a Tweet from Justin Bieber announcing the growth of his first pubic hair. Or maybe there are around 500 million people waiting to log on to Facebook, notice that the site layout has moved one button, and rant about it for two days before forgetting completely about it. Maybe it’s the millions of Americans that want to watch daily updates of Glenn Beck’s patriotic and pundit-y farts on FOX. I don’t know, but I do know that the internet is very important and it isn’t as easy as hitting the reset button on a modem. This stuff is getting real.


Via EVERYONE

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jesus Ain't Got Nuthin' On These Guys


Ever been sitting at the river/sea/ocean/lake/random-body-of-water front and just thought, “Man, Jesus was a BAMF!” Then tried to run on water, but belly flopped, embarrassing yourself in front of a bunch of people and then realized that maybe your future wife was in there and you just ruined your chances and that now you would live a sad and pathetic life inside a cardboard box because you wouldn’t graduate and then when you were old you would look back and think that it was all because of a damn belly flop? …yeah, me neither. Anyway, if you are looking for crazy awesome Jesus style walking on water, look no further than the Basilisk Lizard and this bunch of crazy dudes that invented a sport that we only wish we could do: Liquid Mountaineering.

















Ok, I admit it isn't real...so what? That hasn't stopped many people from doing it! Hats off to these guys for making an accidental sport! Now, if you will excuse me, I'm headed to Horsetooth Reservoir to defy the laws of physics.

Via CollegeHumor

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Force is Strong in Your Crotch

A few blogs back, I spoke about being a true man and tossing a high calorie and testosterone meat salad to decree your manliness. This post, though, I am introducing a new concept. It’s called “Penis Power.” Apparently all men have it, and they use it to…well…we kind of have…and then with the heating iron…there’s squirrels…you know what, I really have no idea what the heck it is or what we use it for. This woman, though she definitely knows what is going on. She has gone to hell and back because of this “Penis Power” that we supposedly emanate from our crotchal region (which is apparently so strong sometimes that you can feel it through the pants…I sort of have been known to cook some fried eggs on my crotch every once in a while). Now, I leave the floor to this fantastic African American woman who will now ebonicify what it means to have “Penis Power” and what exactly that is.



Via CollegeHumor

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Usually Write Most of My Resumes on Crack

I know that, like me, most of my faithful readers have had to write at least one resume in their lives. You usually sit, breathe in and out, crack your joints a little, and get ready to be as pompous about how awesome you are as possible. When you’re done, it’s usually a decent resume that you hope people will read and notice your best qualities so they can hire you. What happens when you are so pissed that no one has hired you in a while? Well, you go out, get a hold of some crack or liquid death and destruction and write something like the Craigslist job post below. Go ahead…click to enlarge it and tell me that you wouldn’t hire this guy. After all, he is a wolverine.


UPDATE

Apparently another awesome resume has just hit Craigslist. Again, Someecards is the culprit. This one is a bit more honest. And it mentions sex. So like I said: honest.


Via Someecards

Smelly, Smelly, Stab, Stab

Don’t you just hate it when you let one rip and your friends just make fun of you or insult you? Don’t you want to just take a knife and stab some people indiscriminately? If you answered yes to that second question, you are not welcome anywhere near me, and you might find a suitable counterpart in Marc Higgins. This man was attending a party and passed some southern wind. People criticized him for it, so he left, returning later with three knives, which he used to effectively stab random people that apparently didn’t understand his flatulent circumstances. Not unlike the Facebook Crazies, this was probably all a misunderstanding…somehow.



Via Someecards, Gothamist, and MSNBC

Saturday, January 22, 2011

If You Ever Though You Were A Man...

You think you are a man, right? Wrong! Real men don’t just eat meat…they make salads manly by making them completely out of meat! Mmmm tastes like beards, manliness, and guns! Who needs carrots when you have SAUSAGES?! Who needs radishes when you have MEATBALLS?! NO ONE, THAT’S WHO!!! If you are either a woman or vegetarian/homosexual, please, don’t watch this video.



UPDATE

Thanks to a reader's comment, we have received another video of Manliness to the extreme. This time with dry humping and biceps included!



Via Someecards and YouTube

*In case my faithful readers didn’t know, I’m a vegetarian. So if you wanted to insult me because of my comments, I will have you know that I made fun of myself. Just for the record.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

L...lanf...fair...pw...Aw, Screw It!

Not particularly funny, but maybe interesting is a quaint town in Wales. This picturesque place resides on the island of Anglesey and is probably somewhere where you can spend a good vacation or wire large sums of money for tax evasion. Now, you are probably wondering what is so interesting about this town. Well, it just so happens to be called “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.” Try saying that fast one time. If anyone manages to be able to pronounce it, either record yourself on YouTube and link the video to my page or to here, or just comment on the Facebook page for my blog. I really want to see how many people can actually do this and are willing to amuse me. For extra help, please listen to the video below.


Via OMGfacts

The Fox and the Idiot

In other news, a fox shot a hunter on January 13. Yes, you read right…the fox shot the hunter. In what you probably would only expect out of Starfox, the lowly creature entered into a battle over a gun with a hunter. This occurred after the hunter tried to hit it with said gun, only to have the gun fall to the ground and have to wrestle with the fox for control of it. What’s more, in the rumble, the fox’s paw pulled the trigger and shot the man in the leg! Talk about hilarious! The man had to be taken to a hospital and the fox got away happy as can be. So I guess this oddity of a WWE match had a happy ending. Now comes the hard part for the man in recovery: either make up a cooler story that makes him seem more bad-ass (aka not getting shot by a random fox), or keep it as is. My vote is with the latter.

In Soviet Russia, Fox shoot you!

Via Reuters

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Horoscopes have no idea what's going on

It really is quite sad that people keep focusing their lives around things such as this. Tracing its roots back thousands of years, Astrology is probably the 3rd oldest profession. 1st and 2nd are Prostitution and Looking At Breasts, respectively (I think they go hand in hand). The thing with Astrological beliefs is that the ancients believed the stars to be determinants of your future. Who needs Nostradamus when you can just look up, right? The alignment of the stars and the planets in certain ways would mean specific things and influence people’s lives. Soon, though, Astronomy realized that Astrology was a bit of a loopy brother and left it so that it could become a real science. And after a while, Astrology made a name for itself with the creation of the Chinese Horoscope.

It feels so confused...

The Horoscope is based on the motions and locations of the stars, moon, sun, and planets the day you were born. It has 12 symbols (the unlucky 13th symbol was kicked out because it was different and nobody liked it) that represent the 12 months of the year (ish). All of this is coupled together and your Daily Horoscope comes about. The thing that most people don’t realize is that their Horoscope is dead wrong right now. When the Chinese made it a couple thousand years ago, they referenced their own sky. Right now, though, the stars have shifted and the old Chinese Horoscope is obsolete and doesn’t reflect the current positions. This means that if you, at any point, looked at a Horoscope and said “Oh golly gosh goo! It predicted everything perfectly!” you were being lead by superstition to create what you read since you were reading what is supposed to be someone else’s Horoscope. This just goes to show that mystical energies and star locations have nothing to do with who you are. Horoscopes are cleverly formulated to give you the most accurate vague answer possible. If you truly want to keep up with superstition, look at your real symbols here.

Darn it, Earth, you are such a prankster!

The reason that your mystical signs shifted was because of the earth’s wobble. You see, our planet is like an indecisive person shopping for wholly unnecessary things. Do I want this or that? They go back and forth, unable to make a decision. Earth, like our materialistic counterpart, can’t make up its mind on which star to point at with its axis—either Polaris or Vega. Maybe Thuban. Noooo…Denab. Ok Polaris. But Vega is soooo much prettier! Because of this, the perspective on the night sky is constantly changing. This means that your sign aint what it used to be. This is kinda old news. Scientists knew about it for a while. I think that they didn’t want to tell people as part of a social experiment where they would observe us and laugh hysterically amongst themselves. Good ol’ scientists.

UPDATE

Apparently, CNN decided to run an article saying that the Horoscopes and Astrological Signs in fact, hadn’t changed. They were, of course referring to the Tropical Zodiac (not the Sidereal Zodiac, which I mentioned above), which doesn’t change at all. It doesn’t change because people decided that each season should have signs associated with it that don’t change. Now, it doesn’t make sense because it only applies to the Northern Hemisphere. I’ll explain simply: if it’s winter in the Northern Hemisphere, it's summer in the Southern Hemisphere…how can people be born at the same time and have different Astrological Signs? Isn’t astrology based on mystical energies from the cosmos that have nothing to do with Earth, but with the stars? I guess these people don’t care, since Westerners have a long track record of taking Ancient traditions and destroying everything they stand for.

Is yoga supposed to help your spirit? Hellz no! It's supposed to make your butt look awesome!

Via Livescience

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Airplane Vigilante

A little while ago (on December 28), there was a report that reminded me of something I had written a long time ago. One of my first blogs, in fact, was the one that it reminded me of. Anyone recall “Rafa says WHAT? Airplane Bandidos”? In it, I spoke of people on airplanes that broke the rules clearly stated on paper and spoken by flight attendants. I dubbed them “Airplane Bandidos” and proceeded to spew my annoyances about them. The reason I wrote that blog was because a woman next to me was using her iPod throughout the entire flight and, despite many warnings, also used her Blackberry throughout the entire flight.


Enter the man that actually took action. I only took a picture and ranted about the chick behind her back since I’m cool like that. This guy, though, looked beside him and saw a dumb teenager that refused to turn off his iPhone after the stewardess said so. He, like any badass crime fighter, took matters into his own hands and punched the lousy teenager. As soon as the plane landed, police were waiting for him and he was arrested. He is like a modern day Batman—a vigilante. For all we know, he might have saved the plane from imminent fiery death. This is just another shot at do-gooders that want to help. He probably read my blog and didn’t wanna take crap from a little boy.

Gosh darn those teenagers and their color television and eight track tapes.

Via Gizmodo and Kboi2

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Oh, No...

I would like to announce to my faithful readers that I was wrong. That’s right, I said it. I was wrong. I wrote a blog a while back about the end of the world on December 21, 2012…apparently, information was withheld. So, I am here to say that I was wrong. I’m not saying I was wrong about the actual date…I was completely right about the ludicrousness of the belief in that day. What I was incorrect about was the fact that apparently the world is ending. So says 89 year-old Harold Camping.


Oh nos!


This man is the head of an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide. Can anyone say: red flag? Firstly, the man is 89 years old. I think he’s been waiting for the apocalypse for too long. Secondly, his ministry is independent. What does that mean? In my mind, that means that even the normal Christians are like, “Dude…wait, what?” And when Christians are telling that to other Christians, you know something is up. They usually only reserve that for Mormons. Lastly, his ministry is called Family Radio Worldwide. I’m going to go right out and say it—it sounds like a rapist’s paradise. You know what I mean? Lure the kids in with some nice Village People at 69.0 FM and they will be none the wiser. Invite them in and…well, you get the idea. Yummy yummy and under twelve.


The man himself. Enjoy his terrible teeth.


That’s enough of the old man’s personal life. His prediction (coming straight from Neverland Ranch! Alright, I’ll stop now.) states that The Rapture will actually occur on May 21, 2011. Now, let me make it clear that The Rapture is that one time, you know, where everyone that is nice on earth disappears and goes to heaven while everyone else suffers unspeakable horrors during hell on earth. Same old, same old. No need to dwell. Well, that day is when The Rapture is happening and on October 21, 2011 is the official end of the world. That isn’t saying that the days between won’t suck (they will), but it will all officially be over in October. So now you know that if you are still around after May 21, you are probably going to end up crapping bricks or shooting lasers out of your eyes and blowing up kittens or something. I’m sure it says that in the Bible somewhere.


It's in here somewhere...I know it!


Before you make any judgments about what I have said, I’m going to posit the fact that he has already made a prediction for the world to end based on his fancy “math” and bible codes. If he had been right, we wouldn’t be here right now. His prediction stated that in 1994, we would all die. Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! I’m still alive! Golly gosh…I wonder where that leaves him? Oh, and his followers also have a website that you guys can spam or laugh at (whichever you prefer…or both) if you so please. I only ask that if you do spam these people, mention me so he knows he’s got some Rafa love. At least he isn’t as bad as those crazy Facebook people, though, right? Happy end of the world.



Via Huffington Post and LiveScience

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Facebook Crazies

Facebook is, for all intents and purposes, the only social network out there right now. It was only a matter of time before something happened. Honestly, I’m sure that this isn’t the first time that something like what I’m about to…well, make fun of, has happened. Quite frankly, though, I didn’t bother to find any more. I figured that two extremely odd stories would be enough.


The first one took place on January the 3rd. As far as I’ve read, this woman decided to go all “kwayzee” on her boyfriend when he didn’t want her to use the computer or read his Facebook. So, she figured that the only logical course of action to solve the dilemma was to grab a kitchen knife and slay the dissident. Now, she could have solved this problem by simply talking, but I think she felt that a knife through some major organ would get the message across just as well. You can read more about the crazy crime here.

A picture of the gurl who thought dat dat dayum man had given har too much crap.

In the mean time, though, as Facebook gets more wildly popular, I’m sure we will be hearing more reports like these. We can now safely say…damn you, Facebook. While I go and post a link to this on Facebook, though, have fun watching this video of a guy beat up his son because of the shenanigans he has been up to on the precious social network. Oh, and I do realize that all of the people doing crazy things that I have mentioned are of darker skin…and, well, yeah. They pretty much make fun of themselves.



Via The Smoking Gun and Gawker

Monday, January 3, 2011

The US Can Now Cope: Debtris

Ever feel like the economic crisis has got you down? Do you just feel like you want to stick it to the man? Well, have I got news for you! A new game called “Debtris” allows you to play the classic game of Tetris with the United States debt up till now. What a beautiful irony: that which is causing you pain and suffering is now that which provides you with fun and enjoyment via gaming!


Alright, I may have stretched the truth a tad. Ok, maybe a lot. It isn’t an actual game. It’s an animation that was created by a group called Information is Beautiful. I guarantee that by the time you are done with the minute and 15 second video, you will be more depressed by the situation than before (it also shows debt around the world). Noticing how things as unnecessary as Wall Street pay raises eclipse things like the Climate Change fund and even the amount of money needed to save the Amazon makes me want to release a rabid Justin Bieber on those unsuspecting stock brokers so that they are aware that I show no mercy.



Check out the video below. It’s got the catchy Tetris theme as the blocks come down with the debts they represent explained above. It’s honestly a really interesting bit of animation, not to mention entertaining. So go ahead and enjoy the video while you ignore the fact that you should be paying your credit card bills.



Via Huffington Post and YouTube

Sunday, January 2, 2011

How to be a Jedi

Ever wonder how you can be a Jedi? Follow these simple steps. Step 1: Don your awesome Jedi robe. Step 2: Get yourself a light saber (WARNING: don’t be stupid with it. I am not responsible for anything you cut off). Step 3: Get a time machine to travel to the distant past. Step 4: When you can’t find a time machine, go online and buy the Magnetic Suspension Device pictured below.



Step 5: Set this bad boy up. Step 6: Invite friends over to your house. Step 7: Lift up your arm and tighten your hand while squinting your eyes towards the product. Step 8: Accept complements.



This is pretty much what you will be doing with such a phenomenal product. For a mere $60 dollars, you get this sweet hoop that levitates things (after you attach a specific magnet). Honestly, you can see why this is the best use of $60 in your life. You can even just ignore it when your friends come over and have the TV remote just floating there. Reach into the air, grab it, and nonchalantly change the channel. Your friends will not know what the heck is going on. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the magnet doesn't work on your friends, so don't even think about it.


Attractive Japanese female not included.


Via Gizmag and Chinavasion

My Car is All Natural

I recently came across an article that described an awesome new car. This was not just an awesome car…it was a concept car. This car was not just a concept car…it was also a Mercedes. Mmm…delicious. There is something different about this car that debuted in the Los Angeles Design Challenge, though. It might be something that you won’t think of right off the bat. Try and figure it out as you admire that delicious piece of automotive engineering below.




How is this beauty manufactured, you ask? Well, do I have a story for you. This car isn’t built per-se—it is grown. See that star in the middle of the front of the car? That star has DNA from which the interior of the car is grown. The exterior is grown from DNA in the star on the back. Not only is this car grown, but it is also biodegradable, weighs under 1,000 pounds, and the body is stronger than steel. Oh, and the only emissions it produces are molecules of that terrible, horrible for the environment, destructive…oxygen. Green has never been more bad-ass.





If I had the money to buy a time machine and go to the future, I would definitely buy this car and pass out for a while after I put it on my driveway. Then I would get used to my life in the future, since I can’t travel back in time (but that could be a topic for another blog). What’s for sure, this new car, dubbed the BIOME, better be out of concept mode quickly for the sake of everyone. Maybe Mercedes will soon start growing their own employees. Do I smell a Brave New World?



Via Gizmag

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year, New Stuff...Part 2?


About a year ago (I’m guesstimating here), I announced some changes to the blog. Guess what is about to happen right now? Yes, if you read the title, you know exactly what is going on. New stuff! Yay! Last year I decided to expand my format a tad. I would have two “Rafa says WHAT?” specials and then two random posts about pretty much anything. A while ago I was thinking to myself…that is freaking hard! I have to research many things for many hours and look up awesome/attempted funny photos, then find the time to be hilarious over at least a page or two for my “Rafa says WHAT?” bits. It’s gosh dang difficult. Then, I have to get off of lazy mode and write two more pagers about random things. But, do not fret! I have discovered a way to get around these problems! Announcement of changes time.


I have decided that I am going to not hold onto a strict format anymore. This blog is about freedom and fun. It should not hold onto constraints such as numbers or a set number of blog posts per month. In thinking of this, I realized that the random posts should be as many as I damn well please! I might post one in between each “Rafa says WHAT?” or a gazillion (and if I’m able to do the aforementioned, I should get an award of some sort). It depends on how I feel at the moment. Most of the random ones will be short and may be about muses or current events. Maybe even debunking certain things I’ve heard around. Like I said, it depends. But, in my opinion, this will make the “Rafa says WHAT?” specials few and maybe far between, which means they will be awesome and long awaited. I will make them at specific times (can you say, “Twilight”? Uh oh! Spoiler! I’m a literal Nostradamus, I tell you what) when their impact will be felt. That way they will (theoretically) be as funny as possible, for I will have had enough time to work on them (did I mention it was theoretically?) and make them good.


So yeah, there you have the changes that will happen. I hope all the past changes like the pictures and the more user-friendly set up have been awesome and such. Also, if you speak a different language, click on the widget to the right-hand side with the flags and Google will translate my whole blog for you! And while you are at it, why don’t you follow the blog on Facebook or Twitter? That way, you will get awesome updates immediately when I post them or maybe laugh a bit because of my Twitter profile. Anyway, let me know what you think on Facebook, or even in the comments on this post. Thanks go out to all of you faithful readers, however invisible you may be! Give me feedback and let me know what I can do to make everything more awesome for you guys!